Your toddler loves you more than he can possibly express! He loves you in an intense and slightly uncomfortable way (like a stalker would if you invited them to live with you!) Your toddler’s deep affection for you compels him to accompany you on all errands, and ideally participate in them too! “Mummy needs a poo! I shall keep her company and help her flush! She’ll like that!” “Mummy is hoovering! I shall remain 6 inches away from her at all times! People can get lonely while hoovering, and besides, having to avoid my tiny toes will add an exciting element of risk to the activity and make the whole thing more fun!” (Your toddler is always thinking about you! #selfless)
A toddler is all about physical contact! A fierce headbutt to the groin is a show of deep affection from a small person. And clinging to your thigh as you try to navigate the kitchen while cooking dinner is a real toddler speciality and a particular treat! Boiling liquids plus clingey toddler equals maximum fun!
If you ever “co-sleep” you will know that chosing a side of the bed and sticking to it is not a route your toddler will go down! He prefers to sleep pressed up against you like a draft excluder, or else just directly on your face! Personal space is a concpt that is lost on the under 5s! In a toddler’s ideal world all members of the family, including pets, would just sleep in a big pile, like hamsters! “A room each?! What a waste of space!” Your toddler also exudes so much heat at night that they spend the whole time pink and moist with sweat, which makes the whole face-sleeping experience even more of a treat! #onelove,onebed,let’sgettogetherandfeelalright!
2) The favourite toy!
All toddlers have one! Hygeine-wise your toddler’s favourite toy is up there with toilets at festivals and a tramps trousers! This is due to the fact that this prized creature gets even more close physical contact than Mummy! It is carried to dinner, to bed, to the toilet, to nursery, to friends’ houses and on holiday (May the Lord help you if you leave it there! We have been known to pay more than the original price of the chuffing bear to have it shipped back to us from a holiday destination!)
It is like a member of the family to your toddler! So he takes great offence to you attempting to wash it! The same goes for his favourite blanket! He doesn’t want to be parted from it and he doesn’t want its unique odour to be altered! So after years of love and occasional chewing from some milky chops, the toy resembles a wild sloth, whose time spent in a warm, damp environment gives him a greenish-brown hue and a smattering of moss! #fresh!
3) The Favourite TV Character!
All Toddlers have one! In our house it’s Bing! But in others it’s Paw Patrol, Peppa Pig, the list goes on.
Now, the first 26 times you watch Bing, it’s great! It’s funny! A lovely cartoon about the adventures of a young bunny! After another 50 times it gets a little tiresome. But after 500 times, you begin to fantasise about ways in which Bing could meet his demise, like some kind of rabbit-hating psycho! Over dinner some parent friends and I frequently come up with episodes of Bing we would like to see made by the BBC, including Bing Gets Run Over By a Truck, Bing Meets a Greyhound and Bing In a Pie!
The boy hero worships that irritating, whiny little sod! He impersonates him, has every chuffing Bing toy, book and magazine ever made, and reacts to things like Bing would! (#whatwouldJesusdo?)
If only the BBC would make a show about a little boy who’s sole mission in life was to behave beautifully, eat vegetables and play quietly on his own while his parents drank wine! Now that’s one I could get into!
Cheers all! X