So we’ve been putting this off for some time. Waiting, as you are advised to do, for a sign that he was ‘ready’! (What the hell is that? “Father, I have decided I no longer wish to have my arse cleaned by you and Mother! Fetch me a pair of Calvins!”) But as he reached the age of 3, we had still seen no such sign, so have been forced to take the plunge!
Toilet training a toddler! Sweet Lord of Dettol and Plenty! It’s like an exceptionally lengthy and tedious round on the Crystal Maze! Your task is to figure out the exact moment that a small and particularly mobile person will need to pee or poo. Sounds simple! But as there are 1,440 minutes in a day, and the small person himself hasn’t the remotest inclination to be of any assistance, your chances of getting it right are slim! You watch him like a hawk, you ask him if he wants to use the potty, you sit him on the potty… nothing. Should you, however, dare to leave the room for such trivial purposes as eating or using the bathroom yourself, the chances of the small person casually knocking one out on the carpet increase tenfold!
And should you fail (obviously you will, repeatedly) your punishment is to continue with your initial task while also undertaking a super human amount of washing, wiping, scrubbing and clothes-changing!
The small and particularly mobile person is in fact your opponent! He has no desire to sit on the toilet! It takes valuable time out of his busy toddler schedule and serves no purpose to him! He will look at you like you’ve lost your mind, wondering why you suddenly care about the fact he’s soiled himself when it hasn’t bothered you for 3 solid years! (Mental! Probably been on the wine again!) Besides, if he yields to your wishes this time, it may increase your sense of power over him in the long run, and that goes against everything he, as a toddler, stands for!
The whole situation is just ridiculous! It creates a cocktail of guilt, pressure, stress and frustration and leaves you, for quite some time, with nothing to show for your efforts but a full tumble-dryer and a scent pervading your house that suggests you have purchased a home fragrance from the Air Wick Bodily Functions Collection!